Russia Banned as Fuck from the Olympics

Today Russian athlete’s officially got the boot from the winter Olympics this year since the entire country is on steroids. This really sucks for Russia and is definitely a low blow. Russians literally have almost nothing to look forward to besides the winter Olympics and vodka. Apparently the Russian athletes are allowed to play under a new flag or something like that if it turns out they’re clean, which they won’t be. This is pretty crazy stuff. First of all, If im Alex Ovechkin I would be fucking pissed at Maria Sharapova. She’s the one that started all this shit. I talked with my underground inside sources and they told me that the whole reason the world caught on to Russia being juice heads is because Maria Sharapova was seen at a planet fitness in LA bench pressing 650 lbs without a spotter. IT was then when somebody said holy shit, this chick is fucking HUGE and discovered that she was basically a human steroid. Then the United Nations came together and conducted an investigation where they caught Russian doctors injecting every new born baby with a steroid right in their bloodstream, effectively creating athletic beasts.

Ilya Kovalchuk had other thoughts. When he woke up from a 16 day bender the media told him he cant play in the Olympics. He was pissed and immediately started to list off really bad shit that Team Austria did last time at the Olympics, and didn’t get any punishment. “Half the team spent the night in jail each night, then left in the morning and went to their games.” Apparently the bad boys of the Winter Olympics is Team Austria led by hash mark slap shot god Tomas Vanek. It was reported that they literally beat the bag out of the Italian bobsled team and took their jackets…for no reason. “They pissed in the snow and put it in China’s curling teams water jug” Kovalchuk said. Story developing…

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