GoFundMe Signs Keaton Jones to an 8 year/55M contract
BREAKING: Online fundraiser powerhouse GoFundme has officially signed Tennessee native Keaton Jones to a 8 year, $55,000,000 contract. That’s right, 55 Million dollars. Keaton Jones has been the center of one of the most mysterious controversies of 2017, and maybe ever. What first started as a video of Jones expressing himself in such a mature and sincere matter about bullying, it has turned into speculation that the Mother is using this all for profit. First of all, I think that Keaton was being legit in the video. There’s no question about that. The kid was clearly in pain and having trouble at school. Unless he’s some type of wizard of an actor, the initial video is absolutely genuine. I personally felt bad for the kid and wanted to go kick the shit out of anybody that was fucking with him, even though I bet some kids in that school could probably kick my ass. The whole world literally reached out to this kid with crazy offers like attending movie premieres, going to the UFC headquarters, basketball games, and even rocket smokeshow Hailee Steinfeld asked Keaton “the finesse kid” Jones on a date.
Eventually, it was discovered that Keaton’s mom is an advocate of the Confederate flag which certainly stirred the pot. We ALL know what it stands for. If you try to tell me that flag stands for “culture” or “history” you’re so full of fucking shit buddy. Get rid of that STUPID flag. There’s NOTHING good about it. Get rid of it for good. I’m sick of it. ANYWAYS, Keaton Jones mom somehow is pocketing cold hard cash because her kid is getting bullied. Not sure what money is going to do about that..but ok.
Anyways, again, GoFundme realized that Keaton Jones has a special talent here. This kid is pulling in racks on racks and counting stacks from people’s sympathy. That’s it. Just totally stealing money from hard working people (mostly his moms fault, but still) and GoFundme realized this. GoFundme decided to offer Keaton Jones an 8 year contract to go on world tour and cry a lot. The business model is that Keaton will be placed in specific locations (clubs, bars, restaurants) and just cry. Then, when people approach to see what’s wrong, Keaton urges them to download GoFundme’s app. Keaton will have bonuses that will pay him out extra for each download he gets. I heard live reports today that Keaton pulled up to school today with a Givenchy lunchbox and a Versace backpack. This kid clearly paved the way. Just when you think something is crazy, 2017 blows your fucking doors off with something else. I really don’t want to know what 2018 has in store. That's all I got for right now. Hey: (I'm still giving away free 50in07 Toques. Sign up for Draftkings and it's yours, the friggin link is on my twitter profile).